dimanche 21 octobre 2007

Je déteste changer mes pneus

L’hiver approche à grand pas et avec le raccourcissement (si c’est un vrai mot) des jours arrive le temps froid. Qui dit temps froid dit neige dit pu de petite jupe dit pneus d’hiver. C’est donc pourquoi je me suis armé d’un cric et d’une croix et d’une bonne dose de patience afin de chausser ma T-Mobile de meilleurs tires (prononcer tie her ici, parce que sinon ça fait tire, pis ça c’est pour plus tard dans l’hiver)

Ceux qui me connaissent un peu savent que j’hais ça pour mourir. En fait, tous les trucs que les vrais hommes aiment faire parce que … en fait je ne sais pas pourquoi on devrait aimer ça, ben je déteste ça (cette phrase exclue bien sur toute activité masculine se faisant avec l’apport de la gente féminine). D'ailleurs, si toutes les femmes pouvaient penser comme Chantale Grimm! Peinturer un patio, changer mes pneus, sabler un meuble pour ranger des outils, ranger des outils, tondre la pelouse, faire un changement d’huile, très peu pour moi merci. Si j’ai une certitude dans la vie, c’est lorsque je serai sortie de ma relative pauvreté, je vais faire faire tout ces trucs par des plus pauvres qui voudront le faire! Que voulez vous, c’est ça le capitalisme pur et dur, c’est des gens qui tondent les pelouses des autres!

Pour en revenir à nos moutons (je me suis toujours demander d’où venait cette expression, est-ce parce que les bergers étaient du genre à prendre des grosses pauses pis oublier leur mouton de façon continuelle?), je changeais mes pneus cet après-midi. Étant un être dont la conscience est sporadique, je n’avais pas identifié quels pneus allaient à gauche et à droite (mais j’avais écrit ceux qui allait à l’avant et à l’arrière, allez savoir…) lors du printemps dernier. Ayant une foi inébranlable en ma fortune, je me lançai quand même en me disant que, selon les probabilités (en tant que future actuaire, j’y suis allé d’une analyse probabiliste poussée), j’avais une chance sur 2 d’être correct (les détails de ce calcul seront gardés secrets). Je m’exécute donc sous le regard un peu étrange de ma voisine de 45 ans qui semblent doutés de mes talents de mécano.

Une fois le tout tel ma chevelure (bouclé pfff), je prends la route afin de tester la précellence (parce que je ne fais pas juste dans l’excellence, non madame et monsieur, (je parle aux 2 sexes)) (que de paranthèses ouf!) de mon travail. Le tout semble bien beau. Inutile de vous dire que le blogueur est ben fier de sa shot. Je retourne donc chez moi et m’installe pour installer (tout un setup), mes caps de roue. C’est alors que je réalise qu’il y a des petites flèches indiquant le sens dans lequel la roue doit tourner. Vous l’aurez deviné, je m’étais gourré all the way. Je dus donc tout recommencer en reposant même un pneu d’été pour être capable d’interchanger les côtés. J’étais en (insérer sacre aléatoire). Je dus donc recommencer le tout.

Points positif du jour :
-J’ai découvert que le 102.1 passe de la sale bonne musique la fin de semaine.
-J’me trouve pas mal sexy avec le look mécano : les mains sales et les jeans crottés.

N.B. : Ce billet aurait dû traiter initiallement d’homme de 50 ans qui boivent de la bière dans un vieux char des années 1980 à 11h du matin tandis que je passais les Publi-Sac ainsi que d’une fille étrange dont je fis la connaissance hier. Cette dernière m’avoua candidement s’être fait violée à l’âge de 13 ans (mais que le fait d’avoir couché avec son ‘chum’ 2-3 mois après avait sauvé sa vie sexuelle), qui m’a aussi dit vouloir redevenir ‘’comme vierge’’ en ne couchant avec personne durant 1 an mais qui, dans la même soirée, m’a demandé si d’après moi, un de mes amis feraient un ptit one night avec elle ce soir là. Le tout, bien évidemment, en prenant soin de faire allusion aux 7 minutes à son décolleté en ouvrant un bouton de blouson de plus et en disant ‘’Ça t’excite tu toé?’’ Mais voilà, on me MUSÈLE mesdames mesdemoiselles et les ptits messieurs! On m’empêche de parler de ces faits de hautes importances sous peine de ‘’j’te parle pu’’ et de ‘’ça srait pas beau à voir’’. On a même presque sur le bord d’avoir eu envie de peut-être me menacer de mort, j’en suis sûr! Et voilà, je n’ai pas le courage de faire face à ces menaces, je ne suis pas tel un Michel C. Auger. Je croule sous la pression tel un gardien bellâtre du Canadien de Montréal dont le paternel a fait des prêts d’argent dont le taux d’intérêt s’apparente à des taux de numéros de devoirs de mathématiques financières. Désolé de décevoir mes 2.718281828 fans, je suis un blogueur mou semble-t-il…

122 commentaires:

Fausse-artiste/Vraie-frisée a dit…

Il n'est pas un peu tôt pour les pneus d'hiver? Il a fait quoi, 20° aujourd'hui? On va dire que tu es un mécano sexy ET préventif...
La petite histoire de la fille bizarre me laisse baba...en fait je dirais même «ké cé ça viarge!»

Le Tapageur Silencieux a dit…

Pour les pneus, je me suis fais avoir je pense. C'est parce que j'ai entendu Marcel le garagiste-humoriste du AM 800 jeudi matin dire que c'était okay de les changer tout suite... j'espère juste que ça ne les usera pas trop.

Pour la fille bizarre, si seulement tu savais...

La reine du sarcasme a dit…

Ce qui est bien là-dedans c'est que si même un homme, un vrai peut ne pas aimer changer ses pneus,ça veut dire que je n'ai même plus à me sentir mal de payer pour le faire faire!!
EN passant, y'a pas de danger pour les pneus dès qu'il fait moins de 13 degrés... alors oui peut-être que tu y es allé un peu fort!!

P.S.: SI jamais t'as une fin de semaine off, j'ai les miens à changer :P

le Tout-Puissant a dit…

L'expression en question proviendrait d'un juge qui, long time ago, lors d'une affaire de v(i?)ol de moutons où l'on se serait trop écartés du sujet, aurait prononcé les dits mots, suivi d'un point d'interrogation. Fouillez-moi pourquoi «Revenons à nos moutons» est passé plus à l'histoire que «Revenons à nos 17 p'tites filles en morceaux dans trois plastic bags»!

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